Doin It For Me

I find it amazing how much this prep season has changed for me compared to the last.  Food is going down more easily, cardio doesn't seem like such a waste of my precious time, people are generally more supportive, and I finally realize this is something I am doing for me and me alone.  As I reflected on all those things, it became pretty obvious to me that when I began dieting, training and competing for me, rather than to be something for someone else, the pieces fell more easily into place.  I am not fighting the daily food changes and strict regimen, the constant routine and extreme discipline; rather, I am embracing it all.  And let me tell you, it is making this far more engaging than last time.

Every morning I enjoy looking in the mirror and seeking out the (very) small changes.  I'm more than okay with the slower progress because it's progress for me and I AM happy with my small changes.  Last time I needed and expected fast, massive results so I could make someone else happy (or so I thought), but this time it's all on me.  This has been the change I needed to help me see I truly am worth more than I ever realized.  The change I needed to realize if I push myself, I can in fact do more than I ever imagined, and I will reach my goals because they are just that... MINE! 

So as I exercise, eat, ignore, and focus on me, I see a whole new potential and know with certainty, I control where I go from here. 

Choose To Use Your Wings

This is a very quick check in, but I realized it's been a while.  So many, many things have been so very, very tough for a long while, and I finally stepped up and made the changes that were needing to happen.  Since then, training has improved, food has improved, friendships have improved, I HAVE IMPROVED!!  Change is not the easiest thing in the world.  In fact, I fought it, kicking and screaming over the past year; but eventually, if we want life to improve, if we truly want to be happy, we have to embrace that very change.

And you know what...?  It's about damn time. :)  No more some days and maybes for me.  The time is now to live life to the fullest and truly be happy.  Boy I've missed my obnoxious laugh and gigantic smile!  It feels great to be back!!!!

So Busy!

It's been entirely too long since my last blog, and this one will be shorter than most... But, I know I need to check in every now and again as I continue to move forward.

I am BUSY!  Reality is, everyone is busy and we all seem to move at a cheetah's pace, but as I start ramping up for my next show, I find myself with little time for anything but work, food and the gym.  I have picked up lead on additional HUGE projects at work and find myself emailing and researching at night and on the weekends, just to stay caught up.  Food prep has turned back into a daily Sunday event, and workouts... Well, luckily I'm still only at 45 minutes of cardio a day, but my lifts and abs have turned into about an hour and a half routine.  Now I truly do realize most competitors find themselves feeling beyond busy and frantically search for more hours in the day, but the reality is... I'm 16 weeks out from my next show (if I look ready for it), and I am going to have to dig deep to get this one ripped out.

Finally, I made the switch in my head last weekend that it's time to get back in the game and just do it regardless of what I 'feel' like doing.  Because sitting on my couch is not going to get me to my goal and will not help me look any less fat on stage.  So, back to it I go, and even though I don't feel like it, I'll put a smile on my face and make do with my schedule.  But seriously, I'm taking a real, long vacation after this round.

Oh, and just to help me feel like I'm a little spoiled, I am buying myself new shoes.  The goal - I'll look forward to being able to rock these puppies at the gym every day! :)

What You Eat Matters!

I seem to have a lot of people ask me about what I eat, when I eat, how much I eat... Well, I can't, and won't give you all my diet, but I can offer some tips I've learned along the way thanks to the help of my trainer, friends and countless hours of research!

We need food to fuel our body; and here's the really important point... We need food more than three times a day.  Most athletes eat a minimum of five times a day, and some even six.  Now, I know that sounds like a lot, but think about it.  Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack...  Really, you are eating to keep yourself running all day long. 

What you eat and how much really depends on where you are, what results you are trying to achieve and your fitness level.  Consumption of fats, carbs and proteins will be different for every athlete and every body type, but healthy food is the consistent piece of the entire day (and a healthy life).  For example, swap out chicken for pork, a sweet potato for a white potato, or brown rice for white rice.  Simple changes like these add up fast and help your body run more efficiently!  It really doesn't take a whole lot of brain power when eating healthy.  Stay away from sugars and processed food, and you're already making some big steps.

Now, if we really think about it, a healthy diet can be easily followed if we put our mind to it.  But, I can tell you from experience, walking away from the doughnut or piece of cake can be very difficult.  Most of us grew up indulging in fast food and cartons of ice cream.... There are days when I would trade my pinky finger for an entire package of Oreo's.  Or when I'm pretty sure one more bite of egg white is going to kill me.  But, I have to look at myself and ask: What I'm shooting for?  A great friend once told me to remind myself as I'm staring down that piece of cake in the break room: "That is not for me."  Truthfully, I find myself chanting that mantra several times a week.  But, as my fat starts to come off again, and my muscle definition comes back, I know it's all worth it! 

With all that being said, food choices need to be a lifestyle, not a fix-it-quick diet.  Go ahead and have a cheat meal or day... ONCE a week.  But I guarantee you this; once you start eating clean diet, those cheat meals and/or days aren't going to be as much fun as they once were.  You realize what it takes to get to your goals, see the body and health changes, and move toward a healthier lifestyle.  After a few weeks, the healthy habit sets in and your body reaction after your cheat just isn't as worth it as it was! 

Good luck and healthy eating!!!

"Motivation is what gets you started; Habit is what keeps you going!"

I am very happy to say I'm finally back into the habit stage of my workout routine.  The sore body parts are back and the trillions of stairs are being stepped.  And... it feels wonderful!  After my last competition my time in the gym was a bit spotty and I didn't push as hard as I had in the previous months.  I took some time off and focused on other things (food and friends).  Now, don't get me wrong, it was a great break, but getting back into the swing of things has made me realize how badly I need the structure.

I am a total and complete gym rat and I know it.  I enjoy the structure, the pain, the sweating and most of all, the people.  People who are doing the same thing I am... Pushing toward a goal of health and fitness, motivating each other to accomplish big goals.  In addition to my friends and family, the people in the gym are the ones keeping me on track and holding me accountable.  If I miss a few days, I definitely hear about it; and that is something I find inspirational and reassuring.  The habit of the gym is back, but the extra drive to push above and beyond, comes from my spectacular gym friends!

As I write this, I think about all the other things that inspire me to push forward every day!  Those things which get me out of bed at 4:45 in the morning for cardio and head straight to the gym after work for lifts and more stairs.  I thought I'd share some of those today and encourage everyone to figure out their own and focus on them on days when the motivation is lacking just a bit... Enjoy.

    I wonder how many times I've climbed this on my stair stepper.... :)

To even look half as good as Nicole Wilkins pushes me forward every day! She's in amazing shape yet maintains her feminity.  Yep, she's beyond inspirational!

Knowing this yummyness (yep, I made up a perfect word) is waiting for me after my workout pushes me to work hard through my entire lift!

She Hulk!

 

 

I can do anything I set my mind to do!!!

Finally!

Sometimes a tattoo can be that constant reminder of all that we are!

After a thought provoking chat with an amazing friend at the gym last night, I felt the need to blog about self-esteem and confidence. This is not a topic I typically felt I had a whole lot of knowledge to share, but after this past year, I feel I've come far enough to provide some possible helpful hints.

I believe as humans, we will always look in the mirror and default to seeing what we once so strongly believed ourselves to be. For me, no matter how I looked, how much weight I gained or lost, I always saw that fat kid who needed to lose more weight. Even the night before a show I found myself picking away at my thighs or butt. Now, I realize, before a show I am always going to look at what else needs to lift or where the water is still sitting, but at some point I have to look in the mirror and simply think: "Damn! Look how far you've come! It's time to smile at yourself and realize you can do whatever you set your mind to achieve." That's right... I was actually able to come to that realization. And you know what, even though I don't look stage ready every day, I still look better than I ever imagined possible. And, I am stronger than I ever dreamed I would be.

Okay, so let's take a look back at where I've been...

From the time I started prepping for competition, I worried I'd hate the way I looked after because of the small glimpse I had of my 'tiny' self. I worried I wouldn't be able to be okay with my post competition weight gain and I'd fizzle out on everything. Well, I am happy to say, though I stressed a little (Okay... A lot; I'm not going to lie), I didn't find myself in the place where I started degrading myself like I would have in the past. Instead, I saw the two months of off season to be just that. Sure, I gained some weight and definitely filled back out a bit, but my mindset didn't turn to self hatred. Instead, I saw it as my very small break before hitting it even harder for the next show (Nationals!).

With all that being said, it's not like I simply came to this place where I am good with myself overnight. I have been working on fitness and weight loss for years now, and achieving the goal of getting on stage was huge. But, in addition to that, I finally found some inner strength as well.

Whether I was bigger than all my friends, or smaller, the criticism was, and is, still there. When you're the 'fat one' people make fun of you for simply being just that. They ask you if you're, "sure you want to eat that," or poke fun about whether you can even throw a Frisbee. You feel people watching as you walk around the pool or even when you open your mouth to talk in class. I my case, I lost sight of my worth and let other people's opinions become my own. Now, there were a handful of people who did not make me feel this way and loved me for who I was, but the general population pushed me into a place where I no longer believed in myself, which was something I knew needed to change.

As I started monitoring calories and working out, I felt pressure. I switched gyms three times before I found one I actually felt comfortable in. Again, I didn't fit the mold and felt like people were watching as I tried to get to a healthier place. Everything appeared to be about how I looked. And at that point, it was all I really cared about too. I had made up my mind that once I looked like the "pretty people" in the gym, I would love myself and everyone else would love me too. What I didn't realize at that time, is the weight really is only one component of what I needed to fix as I moved forward with my life.

Over time, the weight began to come off and I finally fit into clothes I had only dreamed possible to wear. But, when I looked in the mirror, I saw a skewed version of myself. Sadly, I continued to see that large girl. It was then that I realized I had a lot more work to do. True, I wanted to tone here, and tuck there, but I really needed to find who I was as a person as well.

Months later, by show time....

As I pulled on my size 2 work pants, I think I finally realized how 'little' I actually was. Muscle mass where it mostly needed to be, and though there was still a little fat, I was smaller then I ever imagined possible. Strangely though, I noticed something else. Now that I looked like what I was always, "supposed to look like," the comments and jokes were still there. The difference was it turned into because I was "miss fitness," or "obsessed with the gym." Luckily, I had a huge group who supported and encouraged me, but I was blown away over the people who still found ways to try and make me feel bad about myself. When I was big, I always imagined people would encourage and support my new and improved, healthy life style. What I found is, though many did, there were still those people out there who had to try and cut me down.

To be honest, I often let them. I again found myself devaluing my worth, capabilities, and drive. Imagine that... I could pull my exhausted butt out of bed at 4:45AM to get in cardio, eat food that no longer tasted good all day long, and still fit in lifting and more cardio at night, but I didn't see my drive or capabilities (WTF right?)!! I sometimes found myself reaching for that pizza or cake ball simply because I was being ostracized for not. Looking back, and after listening to good friends, I realize some people simply have to sabotage. And, that sabotage has little to nothing to do with me as a person. Instead it has to do with that person's own self-esteem and self-worth, or lack there of. I finally realized no matter how I looked or what I did, they would find a way to make me feel like what I was doing wasn't right or good. Can we say WAKE UP CALL?!?!

And, what a wake up call it was!

And now.....

I'm 2 months out of my last show, and hitting the ground running prepping for nationals. I don't weigh 126 pounds (what I weighed at competition) and have some extra meat on my bones. With that being said, I'm good with it. I know that what I've gained will come back off and I also plan on using it to bulk where I need to grow muscle (I'm capable of SO much). Though I do sometimes find myself getting wrapped around what others think, I seem to find myself much more quickly in those dark moments. I fumble around for that light switch on the wall and flip it before it stays dark for too long. No longer do I give other people the power to poke little holes in my air mattress floating on the big pool of life... No sinking for me! I simply value myself too much. :)

I have learned life really is about what I think of myself. True, I will have my ups and downs, but I am making a conscious decision to have a lot more ups! My worth and value is something I will no longer allow others to have power over and I see myself as something I never dreamed possible. I am a strong, driven, worthy, dedicated, beautiful woman who can achieve whatever goals I set, both in the gym and out! Whew, what a glorious place to be!

Life's a Journey - Make it What YOU Want!

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted anything, but after some encouragement from a great friend...Back to writing I go. :)

Before starting this post, I reflected over the past couple of years. I reread my posts below, and thought about how far I have truly come. When I started my weight loss journey, it was because I could no longer handle the struggle with finding clothes which fit, and actually looked good. It was because: I couldn't walk up 10 stairs without being winded, playing Frisbee with friends became a chore I didn't want to do, I'd find myself walking into a room with my eyes on the floor because I was so ashamed of how I looked and felt.... You get the point. So, finally, enough was enough. It was time to make the dramatic life change and it could no longer be put on the back burner.

Now, I'd be lying to you if I said it was all rainbows and sparkly pony's along the way; trust me, some days, weeks and months were a STRUGGLE! But, I knew where I wanted to go, and I was bound and determined to get there, even if it took me years. Oddly enough, it did. About two years into my journey I finally hit my 'goal' weight and realized my body still did not look like it had in my magical skinny girl dreams (where were my abs?!). So, I knew it was time to lace up my tennis shoes, push harder at the gym and create my new goal!

At this point in my post, I need to mention I NEVER would have decided upon my 'new goal' if it wasn't for some pretty amazing people at the gym (I like to refer to them as my Gym Family). Several of these wonderful people kept talking about competition with me and encouraging me to give it a try. And, after about a month being built up by my fabulous gym family on a daily basis, I realized... Heck, here's my new goal! Again with their help and the help of a trainer who I was already working out with (3 days a week), I pulled another trainer into my team of success makers!

Again, I'm not going to feed you a line of how easy it was or how everything just fell into place; because it wasn't and it didn't. I rearranged my life for this goal; some people understood and others did not. But, for the first time ever, I put myself at the top of my list. Granted, there are people in my life who I love dearly and they still came before me when they needed to, but I made sure to continue to keep myself up there too. And, 16 weeks later, ready or not, I competed in my first figure competition.

Guess what....?! I was ready! Pulling that itsy-bitsy suit out of my bag that morning and sliding it on was one of the most rewarding feelings in the entire world. Why you ask? Because it fit! Now, for any of you who have not seen a competition suit, lets just say at 16 weeks out it was sucking into places in a very bad way and literally looked like a suit that was purchased three sizes too small. So, like I said, sliding that bad boy on, and having it fit (well by the way) screamed, "You hit your goal lady!" And, when I walked on that stage, both in the morning and again that night, I felt so proud and accomplished looking out into the crowd.

Picture this, a once self-proclaimed fat-girl standing on stage, in an itsy-bitsy purple suit, with big hair, an oompa loompa orange show tan, and stage makeup - Feeling more confident than she ever has in her entire life. Yep, that girl was me! At that point, it didn't matter if I took dead last. I was up there, posing my heart out, without a care in the world (other than holding my pose that is). It felt absolutely spectacular! And, to top it off, I didn't even take last... I took 3rd! Seriously now, 3rd place in my first competition, I was elated! I didn't think I could get any higher; until I found out I also qualified for Nationals!

With all that being said, I need to mention again, there is absolutely NO WAY I would have made it through this season without the never-ending support of my family, friends, gym family and trainer. These people pulled me up off the floor more time than I can count and encouraged me to keep pushing even when I didn't believe I could. They listened to me, advised me, pushed me and held me through the entire process. These people are truly amazing. So, to end this post, I am so grateful to everyone around me who supported and loved me through this process. I truly could not have done it without you. And, I'm super proud to say - I accomplished my goal and now know I am as strong as I want to be and can do anything I set my mind to. What's next - maintenance of course, but the sky's the limit!

Now for some fun... :)

My trainer Todd Scott and me after the show. 3rd place baby!

I have never enjoyed a Gatorade so much in my life!

Posing my heart out!

A portion of my gym family! For more pics, check me out on FB!