Doin It For Me

I find it amazing how much this prep season has changed for me compared to the last.  Food is going down more easily, cardio doesn't seem like such a waste of my precious time, people are generally more supportive, and I finally realize this is something I am doing for me and me alone.  As I reflected on all those things, it became pretty obvious to me that when I began dieting, training and competing for me, rather than to be something for someone else, the pieces fell more easily into place.  I am not fighting the daily food changes and strict regimen, the constant routine and extreme discipline; rather, I am embracing it all.  And let me tell you, it is making this far more engaging than last time.

Every morning I enjoy looking in the mirror and seeking out the (very) small changes.  I'm more than okay with the slower progress because it's progress for me and I AM happy with my small changes.  Last time I needed and expected fast, massive results so I could make someone else happy (or so I thought), but this time it's all on me.  This has been the change I needed to help me see I truly am worth more than I ever realized.  The change I needed to realize if I push myself, I can in fact do more than I ever imagined, and I will reach my goals because they are just that... MINE! 

So as I exercise, eat, ignore, and focus on me, I see a whole new potential and know with certainty, I control where I go from here. 

Choose To Use Your Wings

This is a very quick check in, but I realized it's been a while.  So many, many things have been so very, very tough for a long while, and I finally stepped up and made the changes that were needing to happen.  Since then, training has improved, food has improved, friendships have improved, I HAVE IMPROVED!!  Change is not the easiest thing in the world.  In fact, I fought it, kicking and screaming over the past year; but eventually, if we want life to improve, if we truly want to be happy, we have to embrace that very change.

And you know what...?  It's about damn time. :)  No more some days and maybes for me.  The time is now to live life to the fullest and truly be happy.  Boy I've missed my obnoxious laugh and gigantic smile!  It feels great to be back!!!!

So Busy!

It's been entirely too long since my last blog, and this one will be shorter than most... But, I know I need to check in every now and again as I continue to move forward.

I am BUSY!  Reality is, everyone is busy and we all seem to move at a cheetah's pace, but as I start ramping up for my next show, I find myself with little time for anything but work, food and the gym.  I have picked up lead on additional HUGE projects at work and find myself emailing and researching at night and on the weekends, just to stay caught up.  Food prep has turned back into a daily Sunday event, and workouts... Well, luckily I'm still only at 45 minutes of cardio a day, but my lifts and abs have turned into about an hour and a half routine.  Now I truly do realize most competitors find themselves feeling beyond busy and frantically search for more hours in the day, but the reality is... I'm 16 weeks out from my next show (if I look ready for it), and I am going to have to dig deep to get this one ripped out.

Finally, I made the switch in my head last weekend that it's time to get back in the game and just do it regardless of what I 'feel' like doing.  Because sitting on my couch is not going to get me to my goal and will not help me look any less fat on stage.  So, back to it I go, and even though I don't feel like it, I'll put a smile on my face and make do with my schedule.  But seriously, I'm taking a real, long vacation after this round.

Oh, and just to help me feel like I'm a little spoiled, I am buying myself new shoes.  The goal - I'll look forward to being able to rock these puppies at the gym every day! :)

What You Eat Matters!

I seem to have a lot of people ask me about what I eat, when I eat, how much I eat... Well, I can't, and won't give you all my diet, but I can offer some tips I've learned along the way thanks to the help of my trainer, friends and countless hours of research!

We need food to fuel our body; and here's the really important point... We need food more than three times a day.  Most athletes eat a minimum of five times a day, and some even six.  Now, I know that sounds like a lot, but think about it.  Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack...  Really, you are eating to keep yourself running all day long. 

What you eat and how much really depends on where you are, what results you are trying to achieve and your fitness level.  Consumption of fats, carbs and proteins will be different for every athlete and every body type, but healthy food is the consistent piece of the entire day (and a healthy life).  For example, swap out chicken for pork, a sweet potato for a white potato, or brown rice for white rice.  Simple changes like these add up fast and help your body run more efficiently!  It really doesn't take a whole lot of brain power when eating healthy.  Stay away from sugars and processed food, and you're already making some big steps.

Now, if we really think about it, a healthy diet can be easily followed if we put our mind to it.  But, I can tell you from experience, walking away from the doughnut or piece of cake can be very difficult.  Most of us grew up indulging in fast food and cartons of ice cream.... There are days when I would trade my pinky finger for an entire package of Oreo's.  Or when I'm pretty sure one more bite of egg white is going to kill me.  But, I have to look at myself and ask: What I'm shooting for?  A great friend once told me to remind myself as I'm staring down that piece of cake in the break room: "That is not for me."  Truthfully, I find myself chanting that mantra several times a week.  But, as my fat starts to come off again, and my muscle definition comes back, I know it's all worth it! 

With all that being said, food choices need to be a lifestyle, not a fix-it-quick diet.  Go ahead and have a cheat meal or day... ONCE a week.  But I guarantee you this; once you start eating clean diet, those cheat meals and/or days aren't going to be as much fun as they once were.  You realize what it takes to get to your goals, see the body and health changes, and move toward a healthier lifestyle.  After a few weeks, the healthy habit sets in and your body reaction after your cheat just isn't as worth it as it was! 

Good luck and healthy eating!!!

"Motivation is what gets you started; Habit is what keeps you going!"

I am very happy to say I'm finally back into the habit stage of my workout routine.  The sore body parts are back and the trillions of stairs are being stepped.  And... it feels wonderful!  After my last competition my time in the gym was a bit spotty and I didn't push as hard as I had in the previous months.  I took some time off and focused on other things (food and friends).  Now, don't get me wrong, it was a great break, but getting back into the swing of things has made me realize how badly I need the structure.

I am a total and complete gym rat and I know it.  I enjoy the structure, the pain, the sweating and most of all, the people.  People who are doing the same thing I am... Pushing toward a goal of health and fitness, motivating each other to accomplish big goals.  In addition to my friends and family, the people in the gym are the ones keeping me on track and holding me accountable.  If I miss a few days, I definitely hear about it; and that is something I find inspirational and reassuring.  The habit of the gym is back, but the extra drive to push above and beyond, comes from my spectacular gym friends!

As I write this, I think about all the other things that inspire me to push forward every day!  Those things which get me out of bed at 4:45 in the morning for cardio and head straight to the gym after work for lifts and more stairs.  I thought I'd share some of those today and encourage everyone to figure out their own and focus on them on days when the motivation is lacking just a bit... Enjoy.

    I wonder how many times I've climbed this on my stair stepper.... :)

To even look half as good as Nicole Wilkins pushes me forward every day! She's in amazing shape yet maintains her feminity.  Yep, she's beyond inspirational!

Knowing this yummyness (yep, I made up a perfect word) is waiting for me after my workout pushes me to work hard through my entire lift!

She Hulk!

 

 

I can do anything I set my mind to do!!!

Finally!

Sometimes a tattoo can be that constant reminder of all that we are!

After a thought provoking chat with an amazing friend at the gym last night, I felt the need to blog about self-esteem and confidence. This is not a topic I typically felt I had a whole lot of knowledge to share, but after this past year, I feel I've come far enough to provide some possible helpful hints.

I believe as humans, we will always look in the mirror and default to seeing what we once so strongly believed ourselves to be. For me, no matter how I looked, how much weight I gained or lost, I always saw that fat kid who needed to lose more weight. Even the night before a show I found myself picking away at my thighs or butt. Now, I realize, before a show I am always going to look at what else needs to lift or where the water is still sitting, but at some point I have to look in the mirror and simply think: "Damn! Look how far you've come! It's time to smile at yourself and realize you can do whatever you set your mind to achieve." That's right... I was actually able to come to that realization. And you know what, even though I don't look stage ready every day, I still look better than I ever imagined possible. And, I am stronger than I ever dreamed I would be.

Okay, so let's take a look back at where I've been...

From the time I started prepping for competition, I worried I'd hate the way I looked after because of the small glimpse I had of my 'tiny' self. I worried I wouldn't be able to be okay with my post competition weight gain and I'd fizzle out on everything. Well, I am happy to say, though I stressed a little (Okay... A lot; I'm not going to lie), I didn't find myself in the place where I started degrading myself like I would have in the past. Instead, I saw the two months of off season to be just that. Sure, I gained some weight and definitely filled back out a bit, but my mindset didn't turn to self hatred. Instead, I saw it as my very small break before hitting it even harder for the next show (Nationals!).

With all that being said, it's not like I simply came to this place where I am good with myself overnight. I have been working on fitness and weight loss for years now, and achieving the goal of getting on stage was huge. But, in addition to that, I finally found some inner strength as well.

Whether I was bigger than all my friends, or smaller, the criticism was, and is, still there. When you're the 'fat one' people make fun of you for simply being just that. They ask you if you're, "sure you want to eat that," or poke fun about whether you can even throw a Frisbee. You feel people watching as you walk around the pool or even when you open your mouth to talk in class. I my case, I lost sight of my worth and let other people's opinions become my own. Now, there were a handful of people who did not make me feel this way and loved me for who I was, but the general population pushed me into a place where I no longer believed in myself, which was something I knew needed to change.

As I started monitoring calories and working out, I felt pressure. I switched gyms three times before I found one I actually felt comfortable in. Again, I didn't fit the mold and felt like people were watching as I tried to get to a healthier place. Everything appeared to be about how I looked. And at that point, it was all I really cared about too. I had made up my mind that once I looked like the "pretty people" in the gym, I would love myself and everyone else would love me too. What I didn't realize at that time, is the weight really is only one component of what I needed to fix as I moved forward with my life.

Over time, the weight began to come off and I finally fit into clothes I had only dreamed possible to wear. But, when I looked in the mirror, I saw a skewed version of myself. Sadly, I continued to see that large girl. It was then that I realized I had a lot more work to do. True, I wanted to tone here, and tuck there, but I really needed to find who I was as a person as well.

Months later, by show time....

As I pulled on my size 2 work pants, I think I finally realized how 'little' I actually was. Muscle mass where it mostly needed to be, and though there was still a little fat, I was smaller then I ever imagined possible. Strangely though, I noticed something else. Now that I looked like what I was always, "supposed to look like," the comments and jokes were still there. The difference was it turned into because I was "miss fitness," or "obsessed with the gym." Luckily, I had a huge group who supported and encouraged me, but I was blown away over the people who still found ways to try and make me feel bad about myself. When I was big, I always imagined people would encourage and support my new and improved, healthy life style. What I found is, though many did, there were still those people out there who had to try and cut me down.

To be honest, I often let them. I again found myself devaluing my worth, capabilities, and drive. Imagine that... I could pull my exhausted butt out of bed at 4:45AM to get in cardio, eat food that no longer tasted good all day long, and still fit in lifting and more cardio at night, but I didn't see my drive or capabilities (WTF right?)!! I sometimes found myself reaching for that pizza or cake ball simply because I was being ostracized for not. Looking back, and after listening to good friends, I realize some people simply have to sabotage. And, that sabotage has little to nothing to do with me as a person. Instead it has to do with that person's own self-esteem and self-worth, or lack there of. I finally realized no matter how I looked or what I did, they would find a way to make me feel like what I was doing wasn't right or good. Can we say WAKE UP CALL?!?!

And, what a wake up call it was!

And now.....

I'm 2 months out of my last show, and hitting the ground running prepping for nationals. I don't weigh 126 pounds (what I weighed at competition) and have some extra meat on my bones. With that being said, I'm good with it. I know that what I've gained will come back off and I also plan on using it to bulk where I need to grow muscle (I'm capable of SO much). Though I do sometimes find myself getting wrapped around what others think, I seem to find myself much more quickly in those dark moments. I fumble around for that light switch on the wall and flip it before it stays dark for too long. No longer do I give other people the power to poke little holes in my air mattress floating on the big pool of life... No sinking for me! I simply value myself too much. :)

I have learned life really is about what I think of myself. True, I will have my ups and downs, but I am making a conscious decision to have a lot more ups! My worth and value is something I will no longer allow others to have power over and I see myself as something I never dreamed possible. I am a strong, driven, worthy, dedicated, beautiful woman who can achieve whatever goals I set, both in the gym and out! Whew, what a glorious place to be!

Life's a Journey - Make it What YOU Want!

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted anything, but after some encouragement from a great friend...Back to writing I go. :)

Before starting this post, I reflected over the past couple of years. I reread my posts below, and thought about how far I have truly come. When I started my weight loss journey, it was because I could no longer handle the struggle with finding clothes which fit, and actually looked good. It was because: I couldn't walk up 10 stairs without being winded, playing Frisbee with friends became a chore I didn't want to do, I'd find myself walking into a room with my eyes on the floor because I was so ashamed of how I looked and felt.... You get the point. So, finally, enough was enough. It was time to make the dramatic life change and it could no longer be put on the back burner.

Now, I'd be lying to you if I said it was all rainbows and sparkly pony's along the way; trust me, some days, weeks and months were a STRUGGLE! But, I knew where I wanted to go, and I was bound and determined to get there, even if it took me years. Oddly enough, it did. About two years into my journey I finally hit my 'goal' weight and realized my body still did not look like it had in my magical skinny girl dreams (where were my abs?!). So, I knew it was time to lace up my tennis shoes, push harder at the gym and create my new goal!

At this point in my post, I need to mention I NEVER would have decided upon my 'new goal' if it wasn't for some pretty amazing people at the gym (I like to refer to them as my Gym Family). Several of these wonderful people kept talking about competition with me and encouraging me to give it a try. And, after about a month being built up by my fabulous gym family on a daily basis, I realized... Heck, here's my new goal! Again with their help and the help of a trainer who I was already working out with (3 days a week), I pulled another trainer into my team of success makers!

Again, I'm not going to feed you a line of how easy it was or how everything just fell into place; because it wasn't and it didn't. I rearranged my life for this goal; some people understood and others did not. But, for the first time ever, I put myself at the top of my list. Granted, there are people in my life who I love dearly and they still came before me when they needed to, but I made sure to continue to keep myself up there too. And, 16 weeks later, ready or not, I competed in my first figure competition.

Guess what....?! I was ready! Pulling that itsy-bitsy suit out of my bag that morning and sliding it on was one of the most rewarding feelings in the entire world. Why you ask? Because it fit! Now, for any of you who have not seen a competition suit, lets just say at 16 weeks out it was sucking into places in a very bad way and literally looked like a suit that was purchased three sizes too small. So, like I said, sliding that bad boy on, and having it fit (well by the way) screamed, "You hit your goal lady!" And, when I walked on that stage, both in the morning and again that night, I felt so proud and accomplished looking out into the crowd.

Picture this, a once self-proclaimed fat-girl standing on stage, in an itsy-bitsy purple suit, with big hair, an oompa loompa orange show tan, and stage makeup - Feeling more confident than she ever has in her entire life. Yep, that girl was me! At that point, it didn't matter if I took dead last. I was up there, posing my heart out, without a care in the world (other than holding my pose that is). It felt absolutely spectacular! And, to top it off, I didn't even take last... I took 3rd! Seriously now, 3rd place in my first competition, I was elated! I didn't think I could get any higher; until I found out I also qualified for Nationals!

With all that being said, I need to mention again, there is absolutely NO WAY I would have made it through this season without the never-ending support of my family, friends, gym family and trainer. These people pulled me up off the floor more time than I can count and encouraged me to keep pushing even when I didn't believe I could. They listened to me, advised me, pushed me and held me through the entire process. These people are truly amazing. So, to end this post, I am so grateful to everyone around me who supported and loved me through this process. I truly could not have done it without you. And, I'm super proud to say - I accomplished my goal and now know I am as strong as I want to be and can do anything I set my mind to. What's next - maintenance of course, but the sky's the limit!

Now for some fun... :)

My trainer Todd Scott and me after the show. 3rd place baby!

I have never enjoyed a Gatorade so much in my life!

Posing my heart out!

A portion of my gym family! For more pics, check me out on FB!

Emotions, Self-Worth and Coping

Over the past month or so, I keep thinking... I should blog, I need to write, I need help. But I haven't blogged, I haven't written, and I've floundered on my own. But, after going through a friend's blog (like I normally do when I hit rock bottom), I realized, even if I don't have happy, wonderful things to say, I still need to get out my thoughts and emotions in order to get myself back on track.

It seems that no matter what I do lately, it's not good enough. It's not good enough for me, it's not good enough for work, it's not good enough for my friendships, it's not good enough for family, and it's not good enough for my relationship. As I refelct on this, it seems throughout my whole life, I have had that 'not good enough' thought process, and it's definitely polluted most of my feelings and emotions. Lately, it has really pushed it's way to the surface and everything seems to be hanging in the balance every single day. My workouts haven't been as strong as they can be, my food hasn't been very clean, and my body image has sunk into a deep hole in the ground. And, the hardest part is I haven't felt like I could talk to anyone about it because I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to call people to cry over my problems, and I don't want to ask for sympathy. In the past, I have wrote about it in order to dump it all out, but I couldn't even find the motivation to do that.

After a particularly self-hating, worthless feeling, emotionally exhausting weekend, I've decided if I'm ever going to get on track with my healthy body and healthy mind, I have to use my outlet. So for me, that equates to writing it out and working through it. It's not fair to myself or to anyone around me to hold it all in and feel the red hot anger and loss seep out through the cracks. I can not become any stronger if I let the hopeless feeling harden inside of me and pull me under water. So, even though I feel like I'm whining, and know I'm going to have to force myself to publish this post.... I need to use my outlet.

I also need to rely on myself for worth and not let others dictate how I feel about myself. Even though I don't always believe it, I am strong and I can get through a lot. Heck, I have been able to get through abandonment, shame, fear and loss throughout the years, so I can get through it now too? It's just a matter of reminding myself, I am worth it. Other's may not always feel that way, but this journey has been about me becoming a stronger person, inside and out. I've definitely found the willpower and drive in the gym, and I need to push it into my day to day life. It's time to finish this journey.

With all that being said, it's time for a new challenge. I have 64 days until I turn 27 (yuck), and I have set some new goals. I want to lose 7 more pounds and another 2.5% body fat. I may be pushing it a little, but only if I don't wrap my arms around my diet and emotions. So, what that means is it's time to dial back into clean eating, no sugar or dairy, and structured eating. It also means giving myself the hug and acceptance I've been wishing I could get from someone else. There isn't a whole lot in my life I can truly control, but what I decide to eat or not eat is under my command, and how I decide to treat myself is completely on me. So, look out 27 because here I come. And, I'll get to my next goal physically and emotionally; just watch me.

Time to Get Back to It

I've taken quite the break from blogging lately because I haven't had anything productive to report out. In fact, I have been quite the opposite of positive and productive lately. I've lacked most motivation to push it at the gym, bursting into tears during a workout has become a reality that is far too close for comfort, my food habits have been sliding, my self image has been in the toilet.... And all this imbalance directly relates back to the stress in my life.

One thing I know about myself is I am a creature of habit; so when things start moving in new directions, I tend to go into full panic mode. So, as my job description changes daily, and my personal life gets blown wide open and I'm told to deal with it, I fall right back to my old habits of food and emotional incompetence. I have been an absolute wreck, but I've decided, it's time to take my life back.

Though I've let myself slip, I have not gained any weight back and I am still hitting the gym; so I've decided that is something to focus on and be proud of. And, as I regain focus and determine what's most important as I move forward with my life (being an adult really isn't all it's cracked out to be), taking care of me needs to move much closer to the top of my list. I've realized if I'm unhappy, I am the only one who can change that. So if it means a new friend, a new apartment or house, a new job, a new car, or simply asking for help.... Whatever the big problem may be, I can change it if it's what I need to do to feel comfortable and happy again.

In a cardio boot camp class Tuesday night that my trainer was instructing, he asked us to think of our happy place, outside of that room and keep our focus there as we kicked it up yet another notch. I almost laughed out loud when I thought to myself, "this hot, sweaty box of a room is my happy place." I think that's when things really started clicking for me; I am able to find a place where things are okay. Especially if I can find happiness in a room full of sweaty people, boxes for plyometrics, heavier weights for me than for any other person in the class (including the men), and only three 30 second breaks to 'catch our breath' in a 45 minute, high intensity workout. If I can get through that and enjoy it at the same time (I know, I'm weird...), I should be quite able to find happiness in the other 'difficult' areas of life. So, time to start working on life again!

New Shoes, New Attitude!

Sometimes it's amazing what a new pair of running shoes can do. Yesterday, I found new shoes at half their normal price and knew they had to be mine. I have had such a rough time with my food and exercise lately, and I knew I needed something to bring my interest back. And, as strange as it sounds, when I saw the shoes, I knew they were exactly what I needed right now. As everyone knows, I'm quite the shopaholic, so this was the perfect answer.

Today, as I watched the clock slowly tick away at work, I felt that spark of excitement again, something I haven't felt for a solid week. I couldn't wait to lace up my new purchase and hit the treadmill. I was also very good with my food because I knew I wanted to feel perfect through my entire workout. I wanted to make sure I had full energy and complete endurance. It was absolutely amazing how easy it was to stay on track all day when I was excited about gym time. I am SO glad to have found that feeling again.

As soon as 4:00 came, I jetted out the door. I could picture my day of cardio and couldn't wait to get it started. And, when I jumped on the treadmill in those new shoes, I really was ready to go. After the first couple of miles at my normal pace I decided to see if I could push myself a little more. So, I kicked up the speed and did a mile in 8 minutes and 38 seconds. This is a new record for me. I couldn't get under 9.30 to save my life in Jr. high or high school. What a great feeling of accomplishment! Yet another milestone on this extreme journey!

So, with all that being said, I am very happy to say I feel like I am back on track. I'm sure I'll have more rough times as I live my new fitness life, but it's great to finally feel like my old self again!

Big Fat Wall

Typically my posts are what I would call 'upper' posts, but this blog was intended to cover the good and the bad of my journey; so, some of the ugly needs to spill out every now and again...

This week, I have run into a big, fat wall at a sprinting pace. I know everyone goes through the ups and the downs, and apparently, this week is a HUGE down for me. I haven't gained any weight or had any injuries... I just feel off my game. Junk food is screaming my name, I'm tired and grouchy; I hate getting up for work every day and am stressed about finances. With all that being said, even though I have no motivation to do anything, the one thing I have stuck to is the gym. In the past I would immediately turn to food, stuff myself with an entire package of Oreo cookies and cry myself to sleep for a week straight, but not this time.

Though the last thing I feel like doing is finding motivation for the gym, I've forced myself to push forward. And, every night when I leave, I feel a little better than I did when I walked in. Life outside of the gym is still a struggle, but at least I'm coping in a healthy way this time. Still, I feel I need to re-find myself. What do I want the next few months to look like? What about the next year? Where do I need to go with my career, my bills, my relationships? I know all of these things are adversely affecting my health, my workouts and my food choices/intake. Stress is never something we want to deal with, but I know if I don't start cleaning up the little piles in my life, I won't hit any additional fitness goals, and I surely won't make it to competition. Ugh, hopefully I can get this sorted out soon though, because I'm sick of feeling down, frustrated and unmotivated.

More Results!

Lately, I keep getting questions about my weight, measurements and body fat. And, I can give anyone my weight since I obsessively check up on myself several times a day (I even keep a scale in my office), but I was unsure of my body fat and measurements. I knew at the beginning of December I was at 22% body fat. I also know my trainer has been kicking my butt lately, and I've stepped up my cardio and dialed in my diet (for the most part), so the number should have dropped. So, when I arrived at the gym yesterday I decided to bug Ted a little early and get my new (and hopefully improved) stats.

He got out his calipers and turned on the scale and we went to work. Shoes and socks off, I stepped on the scale, and though I was up two pounds from my 'goal weight', I was okay with it because of how much water I had drank though out the day, and the monthly timing of my weigh in. Next came the calipers; we measure in three different spot, and do all three measurements three times to try and eliminate any operator error. Well, I am very proud to say I am at 19.8% body fat. Now to some people this number may still seem high, but to someone that started at 32%, I'm freaking pumped! Ted and I were so excited about my progress we started setting new goals right then and there. So, my goal is to be at 17% by March 1st. And, if I keep pushing myself the way I have been, I should get there. The hardest thing is still going to be diet, but I've recently found some great new websites and recipes, so hopefully I won't fall off the wagon anytime soon.

As far as my measurements go, I got so excited about my body fat percentage and new goals, we completely forgot to measure until I was about two minutes in on the treadmill. So, we will be doing those next week. For me, the body fat percentage is key though. I don't care if I weigh a couple pounds more or less, or if my biceps get a little bigger; I just want to continue to see the muscle defining, and the fat diminishing. Everything else is simply icing on the cake.

So, with all that being said, I have decided it's really time to buckle down on the diet. I am really struggling with my carbs ratio and and getting very, very sick of protein shakes. What that tells me is it's time to start shopping for some new cook books and read some new blogs to try and find yummy recipe ideas to break up the monotony of my food choices. Wrapping my arms around food has been difficult my entire life, but the more variety I can bring in, the better I'll do! I have no doubt I'll get to my next goal, and who knows, maybe even surprise myself and my trainer and fly right past it by March. Go me!!!!!

Lose Jeans

Three weeks ago, I was wearing jeans that only stayed up because of the belt I was wearing, were saggy in the booty and sloppy-lose through the legs. I decided enough was enough and got my 'littler' butt in to The Buckle to see if I could finally wear their trendy styles. And, to my amazement, I fit into a pair of Big Star Jeans (and they looked good if I do say so myself). Today, I pulled up my new jeans when they were still zipped and buttoned. They are saggy through the butt and lose in the legs. Though I am beyond stoked with my quick progress and rapid fat loss, I'm a little sad that I already look sloppy in my jeans. Oh well, I guess it's time to go shopping again (this is going to get expensive). ;)

After plateauing for so long, it's amazing to see results again. I am not really seeing numbers on the scale change too much anymore, but my clothes are looser every day and when I look in the mirror, I see a little less jiggle. At this rate, for the first time ever, I am going to enjoy wearing shorts in the summer, and a bikini at the beach. Again, I'm going to wind up spending a boat load of money on new clothes that actually fit, but what a great feeling to walk into a normal people sized clothing store and grab things off the rack I know are going to look good! I can't wait!!


This Weeks Workouts

This week's workouts have been absolutely exhausting. Ted thoroughly kicked my ass Tuesday and Thursday, I stepped up my cardio a notch on trainer days (I had been cutting myself a little slack after Ted was done with me because I felt I 'deserved' it), and I've pushed myself hard on my non-trainer days. This week's trainer workouts revolved around stacked weight lifting and incorporated plyometrics. Both days it took everything in me not to puke at the end, and both days Ted told me he has to find more and more ways to make the workout difficult and intense for me. He was definitely successful in his quest.



Rather than doing 30-45 minutes of cardio after training, I've bumped cardio to a full hour and am forcing myself to use different pieces of equipment rather than my favorite. Let me just say, mixing it up, even when it's something as simple as cardio, can remind your body that it's time to work and time to change. It has been an very intense week of training, and is going to get more in depth next week. My intention was to start double days (again) this week, but work made that impossible, so they will begin Monday morning. I have no doubt the first week is going to be rough, but I know anything is possible to complete when I put my mind to it. And, I want to have a hard body more than anything. So, the harder I can push myself to look like the woman below (Kristal Richardson), the easier it is to stay determined.

Food

Because I am so exhausted at the end of my day, this week, I have found I don't want to prepare any sort of dinner when I get home. For the past three nights, I have found myself standing in the kitchen, one hand on my hip, one hand on the open refrigerator door, staring blankly into the ice box. I'm hungry, but don't have enough energy or brain capacity to do anything about cooking any sort of dinner. It's gotten so bad that last night I opened a can of tuna, grabbed a protein bar and shake, and called it good. I realize this is not how I need to finish my day of food, and have decided to precook every meal for next week over the weekend. I'm already planning my diet ahead, so it makes sense to cook anything I possibly can ahead of time too. Hopefully this helps with my lack of commitment to my diet at the end of a long day. Fingers crossed!!!

A Little Accountability

I realize I can, and will push myself as far as I want to when it comes to my fitness goals. Some days are very easy and I bound through them without issue, but others are harder, much harder. Some days it takes everything in me to not eat the carb loaded pasta, or pick up a candy bar and ravage through it. So, I decided a little more accountability could never hurt.

I already have Ted, my trainer, pushing me hard and motivating me to stay strong, and a great boyfriend who is driven toward fitness and staying in shape. I have a great friend who is training to compete in her first figure competition come April (Go Lacey!), and family members steadily rooting for my success. But sometimes, I still need a little more. Well, I found it.

A few of the ladies and I at work have decided to track our progress as we all move forward with our weight loss and fitness goals. Some want to lose 15-20 pounds and some want to lose a lot more. My personal goal has nothing to do with the weight lost, but instead revolves around staying healthy and promoting positive changes. This group is motivating me to stay on track more than ever, and makes me want to help others attain their goals as well. I couldn't ask for a better way to keep myself on track! Week one weigh in was Tuesday, and I can't wait to see how everyone does when we weigh in again next week. I have a feeling this is going to help tremendously!

Next Goal = Fitness Competition!

Over the past month or so I've been trying to decide what my next goal should be. I could see my initial goal so close in the horizon, and knew it was just a matter of time before i needed to press the reset button. Should my goal revolve around a certain weight again? Should it be a certain body fat percentage? Should it be an 8 minute mile...? I wasn't quite sure where I wanted to be. And then it hit me.

For months now, I have been religiously reading magazines with a focal point on fitness. I would look at the hard-bodies and think, those women are strong, amazing and absolutely stunning. Borderline obsessing, I'd read about their diet, their exercise program, and their supplements. So as I pondered my new goal, it hit me. I am going to train for and compete in a fitness competition.

Spokane typically holds two each year; usually, one in April, and then another in September. Obviously April is approaching very quickly, and I'm not willing to set this goal up to fail, so September it is. Granted, September is a ways out, but it gives me time to properly bring my body to that level of fitness. Weight loss and training aren't instant gratification type things, so time is something that needs to be given a bit of credence.

After my training session last night (which was the most difficult yet), I decided to ask Ted what his thoughts were on me competing in the future. He completely agreed I would not be ready by April, but has no doubt we can get there by September. And, he was excited for me to begin immediately.

We discussed my diet and will be tweaking my fat-carb-protein ratio yet again. The fat content I'm consuming is already very low, so now it's time to bring down the carbs (again) and push up the protein to fill the calories I'm reducing in carbs. I also will begin double days again (every other day). First thing in the morning, before I eat, shower or caffeine up, I'll hit the treadmill and get in 45 minutes of cardio. Later that afternoon I'll head back to the gym for lifting, abs and some additional cardio. I know this program is going to be intense, but to be honest, I'm super excited!

I am very proud to say I have hit my initial weight goal I set a year and a half ago, so now is the time to move to my next goal! For the first time in my life, I have seen true results and have achieved something bigger than I ever thought I would. I am so excited about this next phase. Fitness competition training, here I come!

Holy Smokes

Today was another amazing day at the gym with my trainer, Ted. He pushed me harder then I ever would have pushed myself, and I felt exhausted, yet fabulous at the end of my session. As I work out, he makes me focus on the good about my body - my strength...my endurance...my drive to succeed and push farther then my mind wants me to push. This is not something I am accustom to doing. Throughout my life I have always found my imperfections, my weaknesses, and my shortcomings. So, identifying what's great about me is something completely new.

After I got home, I jumped on the scale (like always). I happened to glance up at the mirror and for the first time ever, I saw a "fit" woman staring back at me. Now, in no way have I reached my total goal, but I actually saw someone staring back at me who truly is an athlete. So...I snapped some pictures and decided to do a little comparison to see how far I have actually come.

It's not like me to take any sort of revealing pictures and post them anywhere, but I am amazed to look at where I've come from and compare it to where I am now. And, after looking through the past few years, I can see that I truly have accomplished a TON and I am very proud of myself (another new experience). After taking a stroll down memory lane, I have realized how much I really have done and how when I set my mind to attaining a certain goal, I can, and will reach it.

December 2007

December 2009

December 24, 2010

December 28, 2010

Gym Time = My Sanity, My Sanctuary

Today was one of those days... One of those days where it took everything in me to eat healthy and go to the gym. I struggled through work; Christmas cookies and candy were on every table in every single office and I was so busy I didn't even have time to catch my breath. And, to top if off, it was just one of those days where I felt like even though I was busy all day, nothing got accomplished. So, when it was finally time for me to head out, all I really wanted was to be lazy.

Even though I really just wanted to go home, do some cleaning and wrap the pile of presents in my living room, I decided to keep going straight, and not turn on my road when I was almost home. I drug myself into the gym, forced myself to get changed, and decided I was going to hit it hard even though I really didn't want to.

My five minute warm up dragged on forever, but when the timer on the stair stepper beeped at me, I walked to the free weights and decided to make it count. I pushed out my full workout, plus a little more, and even did a full abdominal workout after my lift. And I felt better. Still not 100%, but much better. And then, I pushed out my cardio - and felt even better.

Driving home I realized (yet again... I seem to be a bit stubborn on this sometimes) the gym is my happy place. If I can just get myself there, it will help make me feel better about my place in the world. Even when I don't initially want to go, as soon as I start my lift, the gym becomes my most favorite place in the world. I feel stronger, and more capable to take on whatever comes at me, and I walk away feeling a sense of accomplishment. The gym really is my sanctuary, and at this point, I couldn't give it up for anything.

10 More Seconds

Finally, I have found the missing piece of my workout plan.... A great trainer! For the past year, one day a month, I have been working out with a trainer at Gold's Gym North. We would get together, run through the workouts she had written, and I would take them to do on my own for the following four weeks. To give her some credit, I gained some muscle and lost a little weight; and I felt and looked better than I had in a long time. But she never really motivated me. I took the workouts and went on my way - always having to stay on myself to keep up my schedule and heart rate.

Now, things have really changed. Last night was my second workout with my new trainer and he pushed me harder than I ever thought possible. Fifteen minutes in, I was beyond exhausted and my arms were burning. Twenty minutes in, I was sweating worse than the man next to me, and at twenty-five... well, I'm sure you get the point. So when it came to core for the last five minutes, I really wasn't sure if I'd even be able to hold up my body weight in plank position. But Ted pushed me to get in position, and then to make it even more difficult. "Flex your calves, your hamstrings, your quads, pull the bellybutton to the spine, bend your elbows just a little." OMG, by the third one I really thought I was going to fall on my face. But he kept saying, "ten more seconds....ten more seconds....ten more seconds," and I did just that. Ten more, and then ten more, and more and more... I made it a minute longer than I ever have before and I felt a sense of accomplishment that I haven't known in a very long time.

At the end of my workout, there was a puddle of sweat on my mat, my whole body was shaking, and I basically wanted to puke; but I felt fabulous! And, just for good measure, I made sure to go do my extra half hour of cardio on the treadmill and stair stepper.

Success - Comes with Small Steps

I haven't been blogging a whole lot lately, but thought I'd throw up my most recent progress. Because for me, it's huge. Over the past 6 weeks, I have buckled down on my diet and pushed my workouts a little bit harder. And believe it or not, it actually is providing me with results.

I am very proud to say, in six weeks, I have lost 10 pounds and 5% body fat! I had been stuck at my plateau for so long I was really starting to lose hope. That feeling prompted me to meet with a new trainer at the gym I occasionally use. He set my diet up and away I went. I also decided it was really time to find some peace with the treadmill and add a lot more running to my cardio mix. I tended to gravitate toward the stair stepper or elliptical and I knew the treadmill is what I really needed. So, with those two changes, I went on my way.

I have logged almost every day since October 27th - both food and exercise. And, when I went in to meet with the trainer again and set up my new schedule it was time to update the numbers. I knew the weight was dropping because I am addicted to the scale and have been religiously watching it move, but I was honestly flabbergasted at how much I dropped in my body fat percentage. And all I can think now is - I've got this; it's time to buckle down and knock it out of the park. So, we set some new goals...

In the next three months I will be meeting with my new trainer, Ted, twice a week (Tuesday & Thursday) for an intense full body workout. I will do a body pump class Monday nights (Ted instructs them at my gym), and will lift one additional day. I will make sure to get in good cardio (at least an hour) and abs the other two days, and make sure to include a rest day one day a week. If I can maintain my diet and continue to push myself to new levels at the gym, I really think my goals are attainable. For the first time in my entire life, I feel like I really can be fit and healthy (and look great in a tight pair of jeans). Talk about an amazing and uplifting feeling!

Goals: Drop 8 more pounds; Drop 5% additional body fat
** Reassess on March 3, 2010

"You're So Skinny"

In the past three days I have heard this exact phrase directed at me twice: "You're so skinny." It's a great thing to hear, but really has forced me to take a step back and think about what they are saying.

"You're so skinny." Why in the world don't I see that...? I still deal with body issues every single day. I guess I just don't see the change anymore, and I question that phrase. I know I'm stronger, and healthier... but skinny? How can I be skinny when I still have some pudge around my middle, the bat wings are still there and I definitely still have some side-ass goin' on. In my wildest dreams "skinny" was never something I imagined someone saying about me. And, to top it off, I'm still 9-13 pounds (depending on the day) away from my goal weight. So now I wonder, what does "skinny" really look like.

My goal weight something I know I want, but it seems so out of reach. I have been sitting in the same place for a while now, and I know it is directly linked to my eating habits. But, I just can't seem to get to the place where I want to eat only healthy foods and not drink some wine on the weekends. I can't seem to find that place of discipline that I know I need to accomplish this last piece. I care enough to hit the gym regularly and work myself to exhaustion, but just can't seem to care about eating and drinking healthy as well. And, when I hear I'm "skinny" that discipline part of me really says, "F-it! Eat what you want." But, if I ever want to get to my initial goal weight, or drop my body fat to "athletic" ranges, I need to buckle down and find the strength to walk the walk completely, rather than putting in half the effort. With that being said, I need to find a way to say no to food. And, I know this is going to be my toughest battle yet.

With that being said - If anyone knows of any amazing cook books that are healthy, but still have good flavor recipes, I'd love some suggestions. I have to find a happy medium between taste, portion size and health. Ugh - Good luck to me!