"You're So Skinny"

In the past three days I have heard this exact phrase directed at me twice: "You're so skinny." It's a great thing to hear, but really has forced me to take a step back and think about what they are saying.

"You're so skinny." Why in the world don't I see that...? I still deal with body issues every single day. I guess I just don't see the change anymore, and I question that phrase. I know I'm stronger, and healthier... but skinny? How can I be skinny when I still have some pudge around my middle, the bat wings are still there and I definitely still have some side-ass goin' on. In my wildest dreams "skinny" was never something I imagined someone saying about me. And, to top it off, I'm still 9-13 pounds (depending on the day) away from my goal weight. So now I wonder, what does "skinny" really look like.

My goal weight something I know I want, but it seems so out of reach. I have been sitting in the same place for a while now, and I know it is directly linked to my eating habits. But, I just can't seem to get to the place where I want to eat only healthy foods and not drink some wine on the weekends. I can't seem to find that place of discipline that I know I need to accomplish this last piece. I care enough to hit the gym regularly and work myself to exhaustion, but just can't seem to care about eating and drinking healthy as well. And, when I hear I'm "skinny" that discipline part of me really says, "F-it! Eat what you want." But, if I ever want to get to my initial goal weight, or drop my body fat to "athletic" ranges, I need to buckle down and find the strength to walk the walk completely, rather than putting in half the effort. With that being said, I need to find a way to say no to food. And, I know this is going to be my toughest battle yet.

With that being said - If anyone knows of any amazing cook books that are healthy, but still have good flavor recipes, I'd love some suggestions. I have to find a happy medium between taste, portion size and health. Ugh - Good luck to me!

Binging

I have an eating disorder, and it's called binge eating. I always knew it was in there, and came out to visit when something went wrong. But, I've recently noticed it comes out when everything is completely okay. As I sit back and think about it, something finally occurs to me. It's a HUGE, blinking neon sign that says - Quit being so fixated on what you can and can not eat!!! I tend to hit the diet so hard and so extreme, that I finally fizzle out; and the fizzle is more like a gigantic sonic boom of eating.

Through my whole life, I have been dedicated to doing everything right, even perfectly if possible. Obviously, I've created some stress fractures over time, and they are opening up wide in the form of eating whatever I can find. I can't keep doing this. I can't tell myself, "you can't have this," or, "you're not allowed." I have to allow myself a little flexibility if I ever intend to truly succeed.

In my first two years of college, I was the healthiest, and weighed less then I ever imagined possible, and in no way was I an extremest about my diet. I ate small meals throughout the course of the day, and had a little ice cream when I felt like it. I hit the gym just like I do now, but in all honesty, maybe a little less. And, I was in amazing condition. It's time to realize that's where I need to go. I don't need to starve myself on 1200 calories a day, and I don't need to completely pull myself off anything and everything that is 'bad' for me. I just need to relax a little, cheat (a little) when I need to, and move forward knowing I can have whatever I want, but I chose to listen to my body and eat only when I'm hungry. And when I'm hungry, only eat until I'm full. I can do this!

Another Inch Off the Pants Size!

Although it's beyond hot outside, and the last thing I've wanted to do is hit the gym, I've continued to keep my schedule up and it is paying off. Though the weight still isn't falling off me like I want it to, I am continuing to tone up and lose inches where it counts. In fact, I bought new jeans over the weekend and they are another inch smaller! So, even though I'm not seeing it on the scale, at least I'm fitting into smaller clothes!

Tomorrow starts my first set of double days, so we'll see if any results come from the new schedule. I will be adding in two to three mornings a week thanks to my bestie signing up at my gym and being a major morning person (which I am not and need the encouragement). I will head in at 5:00 and get in 45 minutes to an hour of good cardio, and then will head back again after work to get in a full lift and abs session. Hopefully this is the little extra cardio I need to get myself the rest of the way to goal. We shall see.....

This weeks workouts:
Monday - Chest, tri's, core and 30 mins of cardio
Tuesday - Back, shoulders, core and 30 mins of cardio
Wednesday - Morning: Cardio 45-60 mins; Afternoon: Bi's, tri's, core and 30 mins of cardio
Thursday - Morning: Cardio 45-60 mins; Afternoon: Legs, core and 30 mins of cardio
Friday - Cardio (1 hour) and core
Saturday - Yoga
Sunday - Rest

Cleaning Amazement

Throughout my life, I've been one of those people that seems to go through spurts when it comes to keeping a clean house. Sometimes I'm all over it, and others, it looks like I live with a group of twenty-something frat boys. For a little over a month now, I've definitely stayed on the side of clean and tidy.

As I jumped off the couch to go clean the tub, I realized something... It's 8:45 at night, I worked all day, went to the gym, and am still completely okay getting off the couch to go scrub the tub. And, if I had to take a gander as to why I'm completely okay doing this, it's because I actually have the energy to do it. And... the reason for that is because I'm fit and active again!

In my past, every time I've been unhealthy, I was exhausted, lethargic and down right spent at the end of the day. After sitting around all day eating unhealthy food; I wanted to do nothing other than sit at home in front of the TV as soon as I got off work. Since I've gone back to healthy living, everything, including cleaning, is so much faster, easier, better.

Go figure... healthy life = more energy = clean home. Yes! Everything seems to finally be falling into place. It's amazing what some major life changes will really do (especially for my house).

Break Through

I just finished my first yoga class ever, and I feel phenomenal. I walked in not knowing how I'd do or if I'd like it, and left feeling stronger than I have in ages, and feel more confident in my athletic abilities. When I first arrived, I made sure to talk to the instructor and get any newbie pointers she felt I'd need. She literally looked me up and down and said she thought I'd do just fine. In the back of my mind, my self doubt screamed, "ya right!" But, I figured if anything, I'd just take breaks if I needed to. Well... I didn't need to. Now, I can guarantee my poses looked no where near as pretty as some of the other people's, but... I could at least get to them.

My legs, back and core were exhausted by the end, and my muscles definitely started shaking, but, I made it! After class was over, the instructor actually pulled me aside and said she was very impressed with how well I did for my first time ever. And to my surprise, I actually agreed and there was no self doubt on my part. I'll definitely be incorporating yoga into my weekly schedule from now on.

And, I don't know if it was my success in class, but something finally clicked for me as I walked past a window when I got back to my apartment complex... I will never be 135 pounds and "thin," but I actually do love the massive amount of muscle and strength in my legs and butt. Yes, I will always be thicker and have a hell of a time finding jeans that fit through the ass and don't fall of my waist, but being strong and muscular is worth it. For the first time in a while I actually thought to myself, I like the way I look. And let me tell you, that's a great feeling.

This Month's Results

Well, this month wasn't as bad as I thought. Though my weight did basically nothing (again), I did drop 25% body fat, and am down another 3.5 inches. So, at least there is some sort of result.

I have a great motivator that keeps telling me to change it up, mix things around; and I think I'm finally ready for it. I've realized if I am truly going to get those last 11 pounds, it's time to try something new. And, the more I focus on planning ahead and making the change regardless of how different it is, the more apt I'll be to do get it done. So, with that being said yoga on Saturday!

Blogging...

I'm absolutely terrible at continually updating this thing, but I think it's because I'm having such a hard time with these last 10 pounds! It doesn't seem to matter how hard I work out, or how perfectly I eat, I just can't get there. I find myself getting more and more frustrated and at the end of the day the last thing I want to do is write about my non-success.

I meet with the trainer (again) tonight and we'll see what kind of results in body fat and inches this month actually brought, but I have a feeling I'll be about the same as last month. As much as I want it, I'm so frustrated with the plateau, I just can't find any additional motivation. It's getting old very, very quickly...