Emotions, Self-Worth and Coping

Over the past month or so, I keep thinking... I should blog, I need to write, I need help. But I haven't blogged, I haven't written, and I've floundered on my own. But, after going through a friend's blog (like I normally do when I hit rock bottom), I realized, even if I don't have happy, wonderful things to say, I still need to get out my thoughts and emotions in order to get myself back on track.

It seems that no matter what I do lately, it's not good enough. It's not good enough for me, it's not good enough for work, it's not good enough for my friendships, it's not good enough for family, and it's not good enough for my relationship. As I refelct on this, it seems throughout my whole life, I have had that 'not good enough' thought process, and it's definitely polluted most of my feelings and emotions. Lately, it has really pushed it's way to the surface and everything seems to be hanging in the balance every single day. My workouts haven't been as strong as they can be, my food hasn't been very clean, and my body image has sunk into a deep hole in the ground. And, the hardest part is I haven't felt like I could talk to anyone about it because I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to call people to cry over my problems, and I don't want to ask for sympathy. In the past, I have wrote about it in order to dump it all out, but I couldn't even find the motivation to do that.

After a particularly self-hating, worthless feeling, emotionally exhausting weekend, I've decided if I'm ever going to get on track with my healthy body and healthy mind, I have to use my outlet. So for me, that equates to writing it out and working through it. It's not fair to myself or to anyone around me to hold it all in and feel the red hot anger and loss seep out through the cracks. I can not become any stronger if I let the hopeless feeling harden inside of me and pull me under water. So, even though I feel like I'm whining, and know I'm going to have to force myself to publish this post.... I need to use my outlet.

I also need to rely on myself for worth and not let others dictate how I feel about myself. Even though I don't always believe it, I am strong and I can get through a lot. Heck, I have been able to get through abandonment, shame, fear and loss throughout the years, so I can get through it now too? It's just a matter of reminding myself, I am worth it. Other's may not always feel that way, but this journey has been about me becoming a stronger person, inside and out. I've definitely found the willpower and drive in the gym, and I need to push it into my day to day life. It's time to finish this journey.

With all that being said, it's time for a new challenge. I have 64 days until I turn 27 (yuck), and I have set some new goals. I want to lose 7 more pounds and another 2.5% body fat. I may be pushing it a little, but only if I don't wrap my arms around my diet and emotions. So, what that means is it's time to dial back into clean eating, no sugar or dairy, and structured eating. It also means giving myself the hug and acceptance I've been wishing I could get from someone else. There isn't a whole lot in my life I can truly control, but what I decide to eat or not eat is under my command, and how I decide to treat myself is completely on me. So, look out 27 because here I come. And, I'll get to my next goal physically and emotionally; just watch me.

Time to Get Back to It

I've taken quite the break from blogging lately because I haven't had anything productive to report out. In fact, I have been quite the opposite of positive and productive lately. I've lacked most motivation to push it at the gym, bursting into tears during a workout has become a reality that is far too close for comfort, my food habits have been sliding, my self image has been in the toilet.... And all this imbalance directly relates back to the stress in my life.

One thing I know about myself is I am a creature of habit; so when things start moving in new directions, I tend to go into full panic mode. So, as my job description changes daily, and my personal life gets blown wide open and I'm told to deal with it, I fall right back to my old habits of food and emotional incompetence. I have been an absolute wreck, but I've decided, it's time to take my life back.

Though I've let myself slip, I have not gained any weight back and I am still hitting the gym; so I've decided that is something to focus on and be proud of. And, as I regain focus and determine what's most important as I move forward with my life (being an adult really isn't all it's cracked out to be), taking care of me needs to move much closer to the top of my list. I've realized if I'm unhappy, I am the only one who can change that. So if it means a new friend, a new apartment or house, a new job, a new car, or simply asking for help.... Whatever the big problem may be, I can change it if it's what I need to do to feel comfortable and happy again.

In a cardio boot camp class Tuesday night that my trainer was instructing, he asked us to think of our happy place, outside of that room and keep our focus there as we kicked it up yet another notch. I almost laughed out loud when I thought to myself, "this hot, sweaty box of a room is my happy place." I think that's when things really started clicking for me; I am able to find a place where things are okay. Especially if I can find happiness in a room full of sweaty people, boxes for plyometrics, heavier weights for me than for any other person in the class (including the men), and only three 30 second breaks to 'catch our breath' in a 45 minute, high intensity workout. If I can get through that and enjoy it at the same time (I know, I'm weird...), I should be quite able to find happiness in the other 'difficult' areas of life. So, time to start working on life again!

New Shoes, New Attitude!

Sometimes it's amazing what a new pair of running shoes can do. Yesterday, I found new shoes at half their normal price and knew they had to be mine. I have had such a rough time with my food and exercise lately, and I knew I needed something to bring my interest back. And, as strange as it sounds, when I saw the shoes, I knew they were exactly what I needed right now. As everyone knows, I'm quite the shopaholic, so this was the perfect answer.

Today, as I watched the clock slowly tick away at work, I felt that spark of excitement again, something I haven't felt for a solid week. I couldn't wait to lace up my new purchase and hit the treadmill. I was also very good with my food because I knew I wanted to feel perfect through my entire workout. I wanted to make sure I had full energy and complete endurance. It was absolutely amazing how easy it was to stay on track all day when I was excited about gym time. I am SO glad to have found that feeling again.

As soon as 4:00 came, I jetted out the door. I could picture my day of cardio and couldn't wait to get it started. And, when I jumped on the treadmill in those new shoes, I really was ready to go. After the first couple of miles at my normal pace I decided to see if I could push myself a little more. So, I kicked up the speed and did a mile in 8 minutes and 38 seconds. This is a new record for me. I couldn't get under 9.30 to save my life in Jr. high or high school. What a great feeling of accomplishment! Yet another milestone on this extreme journey!

So, with all that being said, I am very happy to say I feel like I am back on track. I'm sure I'll have more rough times as I live my new fitness life, but it's great to finally feel like my old self again!

Big Fat Wall

Typically my posts are what I would call 'upper' posts, but this blog was intended to cover the good and the bad of my journey; so, some of the ugly needs to spill out every now and again...

This week, I have run into a big, fat wall at a sprinting pace. I know everyone goes through the ups and the downs, and apparently, this week is a HUGE down for me. I haven't gained any weight or had any injuries... I just feel off my game. Junk food is screaming my name, I'm tired and grouchy; I hate getting up for work every day and am stressed about finances. With all that being said, even though I have no motivation to do anything, the one thing I have stuck to is the gym. In the past I would immediately turn to food, stuff myself with an entire package of Oreo cookies and cry myself to sleep for a week straight, but not this time.

Though the last thing I feel like doing is finding motivation for the gym, I've forced myself to push forward. And, every night when I leave, I feel a little better than I did when I walked in. Life outside of the gym is still a struggle, but at least I'm coping in a healthy way this time. Still, I feel I need to re-find myself. What do I want the next few months to look like? What about the next year? Where do I need to go with my career, my bills, my relationships? I know all of these things are adversely affecting my health, my workouts and my food choices/intake. Stress is never something we want to deal with, but I know if I don't start cleaning up the little piles in my life, I won't hit any additional fitness goals, and I surely won't make it to competition. Ugh, hopefully I can get this sorted out soon though, because I'm sick of feeling down, frustrated and unmotivated.

More Results!

Lately, I keep getting questions about my weight, measurements and body fat. And, I can give anyone my weight since I obsessively check up on myself several times a day (I even keep a scale in my office), but I was unsure of my body fat and measurements. I knew at the beginning of December I was at 22% body fat. I also know my trainer has been kicking my butt lately, and I've stepped up my cardio and dialed in my diet (for the most part), so the number should have dropped. So, when I arrived at the gym yesterday I decided to bug Ted a little early and get my new (and hopefully improved) stats.

He got out his calipers and turned on the scale and we went to work. Shoes and socks off, I stepped on the scale, and though I was up two pounds from my 'goal weight', I was okay with it because of how much water I had drank though out the day, and the monthly timing of my weigh in. Next came the calipers; we measure in three different spot, and do all three measurements three times to try and eliminate any operator error. Well, I am very proud to say I am at 19.8% body fat. Now to some people this number may still seem high, but to someone that started at 32%, I'm freaking pumped! Ted and I were so excited about my progress we started setting new goals right then and there. So, my goal is to be at 17% by March 1st. And, if I keep pushing myself the way I have been, I should get there. The hardest thing is still going to be diet, but I've recently found some great new websites and recipes, so hopefully I won't fall off the wagon anytime soon.

As far as my measurements go, I got so excited about my body fat percentage and new goals, we completely forgot to measure until I was about two minutes in on the treadmill. So, we will be doing those next week. For me, the body fat percentage is key though. I don't care if I weigh a couple pounds more or less, or if my biceps get a little bigger; I just want to continue to see the muscle defining, and the fat diminishing. Everything else is simply icing on the cake.

So, with all that being said, I have decided it's really time to buckle down on the diet. I am really struggling with my carbs ratio and and getting very, very sick of protein shakes. What that tells me is it's time to start shopping for some new cook books and read some new blogs to try and find yummy recipe ideas to break up the monotony of my food choices. Wrapping my arms around food has been difficult my entire life, but the more variety I can bring in, the better I'll do! I have no doubt I'll get to my next goal, and who knows, maybe even surprise myself and my trainer and fly right past it by March. Go me!!!!!

Lose Jeans

Three weeks ago, I was wearing jeans that only stayed up because of the belt I was wearing, were saggy in the booty and sloppy-lose through the legs. I decided enough was enough and got my 'littler' butt in to The Buckle to see if I could finally wear their trendy styles. And, to my amazement, I fit into a pair of Big Star Jeans (and they looked good if I do say so myself). Today, I pulled up my new jeans when they were still zipped and buttoned. They are saggy through the butt and lose in the legs. Though I am beyond stoked with my quick progress and rapid fat loss, I'm a little sad that I already look sloppy in my jeans. Oh well, I guess it's time to go shopping again (this is going to get expensive). ;)

After plateauing for so long, it's amazing to see results again. I am not really seeing numbers on the scale change too much anymore, but my clothes are looser every day and when I look in the mirror, I see a little less jiggle. At this rate, for the first time ever, I am going to enjoy wearing shorts in the summer, and a bikini at the beach. Again, I'm going to wind up spending a boat load of money on new clothes that actually fit, but what a great feeling to walk into a normal people sized clothing store and grab things off the rack I know are going to look good! I can't wait!!


This Weeks Workouts

This week's workouts have been absolutely exhausting. Ted thoroughly kicked my ass Tuesday and Thursday, I stepped up my cardio a notch on trainer days (I had been cutting myself a little slack after Ted was done with me because I felt I 'deserved' it), and I've pushed myself hard on my non-trainer days. This week's trainer workouts revolved around stacked weight lifting and incorporated plyometrics. Both days it took everything in me not to puke at the end, and both days Ted told me he has to find more and more ways to make the workout difficult and intense for me. He was definitely successful in his quest.



Rather than doing 30-45 minutes of cardio after training, I've bumped cardio to a full hour and am forcing myself to use different pieces of equipment rather than my favorite. Let me just say, mixing it up, even when it's something as simple as cardio, can remind your body that it's time to work and time to change. It has been an very intense week of training, and is going to get more in depth next week. My intention was to start double days (again) this week, but work made that impossible, so they will begin Monday morning. I have no doubt the first week is going to be rough, but I know anything is possible to complete when I put my mind to it. And, I want to have a hard body more than anything. So, the harder I can push myself to look like the woman below (Kristal Richardson), the easier it is to stay determined.

Food

Because I am so exhausted at the end of my day, this week, I have found I don't want to prepare any sort of dinner when I get home. For the past three nights, I have found myself standing in the kitchen, one hand on my hip, one hand on the open refrigerator door, staring blankly into the ice box. I'm hungry, but don't have enough energy or brain capacity to do anything about cooking any sort of dinner. It's gotten so bad that last night I opened a can of tuna, grabbed a protein bar and shake, and called it good. I realize this is not how I need to finish my day of food, and have decided to precook every meal for next week over the weekend. I'm already planning my diet ahead, so it makes sense to cook anything I possibly can ahead of time too. Hopefully this helps with my lack of commitment to my diet at the end of a long day. Fingers crossed!!!

A Little Accountability

I realize I can, and will push myself as far as I want to when it comes to my fitness goals. Some days are very easy and I bound through them without issue, but others are harder, much harder. Some days it takes everything in me to not eat the carb loaded pasta, or pick up a candy bar and ravage through it. So, I decided a little more accountability could never hurt.

I already have Ted, my trainer, pushing me hard and motivating me to stay strong, and a great boyfriend who is driven toward fitness and staying in shape. I have a great friend who is training to compete in her first figure competition come April (Go Lacey!), and family members steadily rooting for my success. But sometimes, I still need a little more. Well, I found it.

A few of the ladies and I at work have decided to track our progress as we all move forward with our weight loss and fitness goals. Some want to lose 15-20 pounds and some want to lose a lot more. My personal goal has nothing to do with the weight lost, but instead revolves around staying healthy and promoting positive changes. This group is motivating me to stay on track more than ever, and makes me want to help others attain their goals as well. I couldn't ask for a better way to keep myself on track! Week one weigh in was Tuesday, and I can't wait to see how everyone does when we weigh in again next week. I have a feeling this is going to help tremendously!