After a thought provoking chat with an amazing friend at the gym last night, I felt the need to blog about self-esteem and confidence. This is not a topic I typically felt I had a whole lot of knowledge to share, but after this past year, I feel I've come far enough to provide some possible helpful hints.
I believe as humans, we will always look in the mirror and default to seeing what we once so strongly believed ourselves to be. For me, no matter how I looked, how much weight I gained or lost, I always saw that fat kid who needed to lose more weight. Even the night before a show I found myself picking away at my thighs or butt. Now, I realize, before a show I am always going to look at what else needs to lift or where the water is still sitting, but at some point I have to look in the mirror and simply think: "Damn! Look how far you've come! It's time to smile at yourself and realize you can do whatever you set your mind to achieve." That's right... I was actually able to come to that realization. And you know what, even though I don't look stage ready every day, I still look better than I ever imagined possible. And, I am stronger than I ever dreamed I would be.
Okay, so let's take a look back at where I've been...From the time I started prepping for competition, I worried I'd hate the way I looked after because of the small glimpse I had of my 'tiny' self. I worried I wouldn't be able to be okay with my post competition weight gain and I'd fizzle out on
everything. Well, I am happy to say, though I stressed a little (Okay... A lot; I'm not going to lie), I didn't find myself in the place where I started degrading myself like I would have in the past. Instead, I saw the two months of off season to be just that. Sure, I gained some weight and definitely filled back out a bit, but my mindset didn't turn to self hatred. Instead, I saw it as my very small break before hitting it even harder for the next show (Nationals!).
With all that being said, it's not like I simply came to this place where I am good with myself overnight. I have been working on fitness and weight loss for years now, and achieving the goal of getting on stage was huge. But, in addition to that, I finally found some inner strength as well.
Whether I was bigger than all my friends, or smaller, the criticism was, and is, still there. When you're the 'fat one' people make fun of you for simply being just that. They ask you if you're, "sure you want to eat that," or poke fun about whether you can even throw a Frisbee. You feel people watching as you walk around the pool or even when you open your mouth to talk in class. I my case, I lost sight of my worth and let other people's opinions become my own. Now, there were a handful of people who did not make me feel this way and loved me for who I was, but the general population pushed me into a place where I no longer believed in myself, which was something I knew needed to change.
As I started monitoring calories and working out, I felt pressure. I switched gyms three times before I found one I actually felt comfortable in. Again, I didn't fit the mold and felt like people were watching as I tried to get to a healthier place. Everything appeared to be about how I looked. And at that point, it was all I really cared about too. I had made up my mind that once I looked like the "pretty people" in the gym, I would love myself and everyone else would love me too. What I didn't realize at that time, is the weight really is only one component of what I needed to fix as I moved forward with my life.
Over time, the weight began to come off and I finally fit into clothes I had only dreamed possible to wear. But, when I looked in the mirror, I saw a skewed version of myself. Sadly, I continued to see that large girl. It was then that I realized I had a lot more work to do. True, I wanted to tone here, and tuck there, but I really needed to find who I was as a person as well.
Months later, by show time....As I pulled on my size 2 work pants, I think I finally realized how 'little' I actually was. Muscle mass where it mostly needed to be, and though there was still a little fat, I was smaller then I ever imagined possible. Strangely though, I noticed something else. Now that I looked like what I was always, "supposed to look like," the comments and jokes were still there. The difference was it turned into because I was "miss fitness," or "obsessed with the gym." Luckily, I had a huge group who supported and encouraged me, but I was blown away over the people who still found ways to try and make me feel bad about myself. When I was big, I always imagined people would encourage and support my new and improved, healthy life style. What I found is, though many did, there were still those people out there who had to try and cut me down.
To be honest, I often let them. I again found myself devaluing my worth, capabilities, and drive. Imagine that... I could pull my exhausted butt out of bed at 4:45AM to get in cardio, eat food that no longer tasted good all day long, and still fit in lifting and more cardio at night, but I didn't see my drive or capabilities (WTF right?)!! I sometimes found myself reaching for that pizza or cake ball simply because I was being ostracized for not. Looking back, and after listening to good friends, I realize some people simply have to sabotage. And, that sabotage has little to nothing to do with me as a person. Instead it has to do with that person's own self-esteem and self-worth, or lack there of. I finally realized no matter how I looked or what I did, they would find a way to make me feel like what I was doing wasn't right or good. Can we say WAKE UP CALL?!?!
And, what a wake up call it was!
And now.....I'm 2 months out of my last show, and hitting the ground running prepping for nationals. I don't weigh 126 pounds (what I weighed at competition) and have some extra meat on my bones. With that being said, I'm good with it. I know that what I've gained will come back off and I also plan on using it to bulk where I need to grow muscle (I'm capable of SO much). Though I do sometimes find myself getting wrapped around what others think, I seem to find myself much more quickly in those dark moments. I fumble around for that light switch on the wall and flip it before it stays dark for too long. No longer do I give other people the power to poke little holes in my air mattress floating on the big pool of life... No sinking for me! I simply value myself too much. :)
I have learned life really is about what I think of myself. True, I will have my ups and downs, but I am making a conscious decision to have a lot more ups! My worth and value is something I will no longer allow others to have power over and I see myself as something I never dreamed possible. I am a strong, driven, worthy, dedicated, beautiful woman who can achieve whatever goals I set, both in the gym and out! Whew, what a glorious place to be!
Sometimes a tattoo can be that constant reminder of all that we are!