Emotions, Self-Worth and Coping

Over the past month or so, I keep thinking... I should blog, I need to write, I need help. But I haven't blogged, I haven't written, and I've floundered on my own. But, after going through a friend's blog (like I normally do when I hit rock bottom), I realized, even if I don't have happy, wonderful things to say, I still need to get out my thoughts and emotions in order to get myself back on track.

It seems that no matter what I do lately, it's not good enough. It's not good enough for me, it's not good enough for work, it's not good enough for my friendships, it's not good enough for family, and it's not good enough for my relationship. As I refelct on this, it seems throughout my whole life, I have had that 'not good enough' thought process, and it's definitely polluted most of my feelings and emotions. Lately, it has really pushed it's way to the surface and everything seems to be hanging in the balance every single day. My workouts haven't been as strong as they can be, my food hasn't been very clean, and my body image has sunk into a deep hole in the ground. And, the hardest part is I haven't felt like I could talk to anyone about it because I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to call people to cry over my problems, and I don't want to ask for sympathy. In the past, I have wrote about it in order to dump it all out, but I couldn't even find the motivation to do that.

After a particularly self-hating, worthless feeling, emotionally exhausting weekend, I've decided if I'm ever going to get on track with my healthy body and healthy mind, I have to use my outlet. So for me, that equates to writing it out and working through it. It's not fair to myself or to anyone around me to hold it all in and feel the red hot anger and loss seep out through the cracks. I can not become any stronger if I let the hopeless feeling harden inside of me and pull me under water. So, even though I feel like I'm whining, and know I'm going to have to force myself to publish this post.... I need to use my outlet.

I also need to rely on myself for worth and not let others dictate how I feel about myself. Even though I don't always believe it, I am strong and I can get through a lot. Heck, I have been able to get through abandonment, shame, fear and loss throughout the years, so I can get through it now too? It's just a matter of reminding myself, I am worth it. Other's may not always feel that way, but this journey has been about me becoming a stronger person, inside and out. I've definitely found the willpower and drive in the gym, and I need to push it into my day to day life. It's time to finish this journey.

With all that being said, it's time for a new challenge. I have 64 days until I turn 27 (yuck), and I have set some new goals. I want to lose 7 more pounds and another 2.5% body fat. I may be pushing it a little, but only if I don't wrap my arms around my diet and emotions. So, what that means is it's time to dial back into clean eating, no sugar or dairy, and structured eating. It also means giving myself the hug and acceptance I've been wishing I could get from someone else. There isn't a whole lot in my life I can truly control, but what I decide to eat or not eat is under my command, and how I decide to treat myself is completely on me. So, look out 27 because here I come. And, I'll get to my next goal physically and emotionally; just watch me.